My Day of Independence

This weekend finds me home alone. The other four of our family of five are headed in three different directions for various reasons. I've been anticipating for days the quiet time when all I have to do is exactly what I wish. All day Friday, while hard at work, I looked forward to 4:30 like never before. I could not WAIT to get home. I walked into my house, looked around at the emptiness, took a deep breath, and immediately felt lost. 

The last few weeks I have talked to a handful of students in various stages of romantic relationships. A few in this handful have voiced significant fear in giving up independence for the sake of pursuing life with another. I get it! Sometimes I feel like I jump out of one world where people are always asking me for servitude into another that is as demanding if not more so. When my selfishness and pride takes over I can get downright pitiful! I begin to wonder if I'm allowed my own thoughts much less actions that resemble any sort of independence! 

As I've made decisions the last few hours based completely on my own desires I've had one overwhelming emotion. Loneliness. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my nap after work, watching Covenant Men's Basketball team come so close to beating Liberty and am (as I type this post) on glass number two of red wine. But I'm glad it's short lived. While it's nice to have a bit of a break I wouldn't want to live it continuously. Not everyone is called to be a wife, mother and admin. However, no one should make independence or self reliance a life goal. We are all called to serve others and to die to self daily. To those few students who have voiced their legitimate and understandable fears of sacrifice for the sake of being with another, I say give it up. Lay down the rags of self reliance along with the false sense of security independence supposedly provides. Grasp the riches of building a life around serving those who love you most. 

"Always remember there is nothing worth sharing like the love that let us share our name." -The Avett Brothers

Andy went grocery shopping before he left town. Not sure if I should be flattered or offended by "Smoking Loon."

My Lunch Ladies and L'Abri

The main reason I love my job so much is because of the relationships I get to develop with students. Feel free to read Time and My Relational Landscape for a fleshing out of this sentiment.  Another thing I love is food.  For most of my life, lunch has been a highlight of any day.  This stage in my life is no different but possibly for different reasons.  Four out of five work days I stand at my desk, shuffle papers and run the chapel office with great anticipation for time with my Lunch Ladies.  

There are many students at Covenant I'm continuing to learn, love and hound with countless questions.  These four girls subject themselves to a weekly conversation that oscillates between interrogation and venting depending on life and possibly my current attitude. Actually, I believe they would tell you these moments of breaking bread (or turkey wrap) are both encouraging and edifying. I've lived years they have not and therefore have a perspective on this life they can't yet visualize. They allow me the great privilege of sharing their joys and carrying their sorrows. I try to be a sounding board as they voice their fears. I watch them layout a runway for their future as we talk through relationships and dreams. I know them and they know me which is both beautiful and heartbreaking. 

These ladies know that I pray for them and that I enjoy their company. However, there is no way they can comprehend the spiritual benefit I receive from each of these relationships. God pours out his goodness to me through our conversation. Their desire to follow the path God has perfectly orchestrated and their commitment to His word as they navigate this broken world renews my faith. I would be proud to call any of them my own. There in lies the beauty. At times the level of devotion I feel for these ladies makes me wonder if something is wrong with me. I was recently blessed to hear Dr. Steve Garber refer to this desire to know students as a gift. Like most gifts it has a price tag. Next year, even next semester, my weekly calendar will look different. Que the heartbreak. Dr. Garber told me tears are totally acceptable as these changes in schedule occur. 

I often find myself thinking about my daughter during these lunches.  I'm already very proud of the young lady she is and I look with great anticipation to see the woman she's becoming. One prayer I'm often voicing is for God to provide for her some one who will value the same sort of opportunity with her that I have with these four Lunch Ladies. I hope for someone in her college years to see her gifts with new eyes...someone to appreciate the things I've grown accustom to and therefore unintentionally overlook.  Mostly, I hope for her to have someone who can invest in her without the  personal pride and the selfish agenda I have to continuously resist.  

#19yearsandcounting

The view of Lookout Mountain from the valley where I live provides great beauty. In spring, the blanket of treetops is thick with new growth in varying shades of green. In the fall, as all the leaves begin to die, the blanket is vibrant with orange, yellow, and red. If you stay in the valley, if you don't venture up the road into the curvy, hilly and sometimes treacherous mountain road you miss the greatest beauty. In spring you miss hundreds of dogwoods whose beauty is unspeakable and in fall you miss the brightest of the orange, yellow and red the mountain has to offer. These scenes are picturesque and rival the best photos you'd find in any travel magazine. 

In 19 years of marriage, Andy and I have had times where we cruised through life maneuvering relatively flat ground.  We've also had moments where we had to travel up the mountain path. In these moments God's goodness was so vibrant I could hardly stand to look at it.  As overwhelming as life can be and as terrifying as it is to wonder what's waiting around the next bend, it's in these moments God's faithfulness is most prevalent and consuming.  His grace flows freely providing the confidence necessary to make it up the next hill.  The scope of these realizations is so acute I find myself thankful for the effort the path demands and appreciate the aching muscles produced by the climb. 

Andy and I realize that marriage is a fight, and we will continue on that battlefield until either one of us ceases to draw breath or Jesus returns. As difficult as it can be, the benefit of this union far outweighs the struggle.  To be truly known by another is the essence of peace.  I'm beyond willing for Andy to understand what makes me tick, what brings me joy, and how my deepest heartache can spontaneously creep back to the surface of my being. We are two cracked cisterns who choose every day to love each other regardless of our eccentricities and complications. 

Ben Rector sings true, "...life is not the mountain tops. It's the walking in between and I like you walking next to me." Regardless of whether we are in the serenity of the valley or climbing the treacherous mountain, it is no small comfort knowing we'll be together.  Even more importantly, knowing that we are always enveloped by the vibrant beauty of our gracious Savior.

"It is mercy to have a faithful friend who loveth you entirely."   Richard Baxter

Let me find Thy light in my darkness,

Thy life in my death,
Thy joy in my sorrow,
Thy grace in my sin,
Thy riches in my poverty
Thy glory in my valley.

(The Valley of Vision)

Silver and Gold

In a recent moment of sadness I asked my husband why life had to be so hard.  His reply was timely and true, "What you mean is why are relationships so meaningful."  His answer didn't keep my bittersweet tears from flowing but it's truth has been ringing in my ears all summer. 

This same sentiment produced a reaction of joy two weeks ago as our family made our annual trek to Cary, NC.  For almost a decade the well manicured suburbian town was where we watched our kids grow from three babies into varying levels of cute big kids and smelly pre-teens and teens.  These summer visits are always busy and crammed with as many people as possible.  There's never enough time to see all the people we would like but we soak up the time we have with the friends we manage to squeeze in. 

One crew that is forever and always on our "must see" list is the Peterson Family.  We met them when we were both families of four trying to figure out how to parent these creatures we call offspring.  For years the question that crossed our lips wasn't "What shall we do Friday night?" but rather "Are we going to the Petersons or are they coming here?"  As the years went by and we added children to our brood we rode the waves of parenting and marriage together.  When one couple trekked through the trials that come with this broken world the other pair would walk along side sharing the load.  At times, these were heartbreaking, tear-filled journeys that seemed impossible to endure.  We also experienced the joy that comes in the morning as God fulfilled His promise of grace and mercy.  Few know Andy and Leah Jones better than Jared and Beth Peterson.  It's always a time of refreshment to be with those who understand your brokenness, love you despite your eccentricities and with whom time is always a treasure.  Our weekend with these sweet friends felt as if no time had passed and our camaraderie left very little dead air.

Last Friday night back in North Georgia, I partied with a few ladies from our church. By partied I mean we hung out eating good food, partaking in adult beverages, and finishing complete thoughts with full sentences that are impossible when our children are present. There were moments when I felt recognized as someone with whom they have memories.  The years don't go back as far and the valleys of the last three years haven't been quite so treacherous but I can feel the roots of the sweet friendships around me deepening.  Pondering friendships that span time and distance impresses upon me the importance of knowing and being known.  I feel very blessed to be living out Solomon's wise words from Proverbs 18:24. The relationships God has been faithful to provide are very meaningful, both new and old.

The Raleigh Times- progressive dinner date

The Jones/Peterson offspring...plus a Winston, by age then by height mostly so we can laugh at Emma L'Abri.

Disturbing Goodness

I get a huge thrill from speaking into a microphone.

I considered sneaking away during a recent church "work day” to avoid…work. These are things that while true, most would not express. They may even disturb you. But these things are true.

At graduation, a student told me there were days this last year they would not have made it without me.  

I was paralyzed.  I honestly didn't know what to say or how to react.  It was disturbing. It was true.

I knew I had encouraged this student.  I knew God allowed me to be a part of their sanctification process.  The student didn’t realize that my faith was being renewed just as much as theirs.

I was completely inept to give any response in that moment because I wasn't yet able to recognize that encouraging comment as God's goodness.  God’s goodness can be disturbing.  God has used me to disturb this student’s life with His goodness. Now, they were simply returning the favor.

These things are true. God is good. God is disturbing. His goodness disturbs us at moments we don’t expect and in ways we do not expect.  These moments are disturbing. I expect His goodness for others. I anticipate mediocrity for myself.

"My desire to feel the power of God's grace conquering the pride and selfishness in my life inclines me to behavior that demonstrates the victory of grace, namely, love.  Genuine love is so contrary to human nature that it's presence bears witness to an extraordinary power." -John Piper, Desiring God

Flower Girl Graduates

I had two of the best behaved flower girls in my wedding.  They "walked" down that aisle perfectly and didn't make a peep the entire ceremony.  They weren't very well dressed, but in their defense, they were still in utero.  It seems impossible that this year my flower girls are graduating from High School.

Maggie Andrew is the A-typical all American girl at first glance.  She is a straight A, sweet as pie beauty queen...literally, a beauty queen! While everyone can see her gorgeous curls and sparkling green eyes those who know her well see inner beauty that makes her even more remarkable.  Maggie is one of the most compassionately affirming people I know.  She is continuously concerned about the feelings of those around her and goes to great effort to make them feel comfortable and accepted.  She doesn't see differences in physical appearance or mental ability.  She sees people.  People made in the image of God deserving of His loving kindness.  I have treasured watching her grow into a godly woman who lives out Christ's love in caring for those around her.

Roseanna Grace has grown up running around barefoot, hunting crawdads and riding horses despite their having been prepped with saddle and bridal or roaming free in the pasture.  She's also a raving beauty but with large doe eyes and brown wavy hair.  She's the soft spoken quiet one in a group but if you can listen carefully enough to hear what she has to say it will likely be hilariously funny.  She is a loyal, honest, salt of the earth type of MS girl.  What you may or may not know about Roo is her unbelievable spirit of perseverance.  Chronic pain has made very simple tasks like getting out of bed and getting to school very difficult and at times impossible.  Her acceptance of the trials in her young life is inspiring.  She not only believes God's sovereignty but lives out that belief with grace and contentment.

I'm so proud of you both!  While your character has been shaped in large part to wonderful parents and grand parents, you each have made your own choices and will reap the blessings of your faithfulness.  Aunt Welah loves you!

Time and My Relational Landscape

Time is fickle.  The same span of days can fly by in one regard and drag along in another.  It seems like forever since I saw my friend Robin about half way through the spring semester.  The very same span of time feels like days rather than months.

The first four months of 2015 have been dense with normal exceptions.  I don't have life altering events or easily specified milestones to dictate.  I've been privileged to witness moments when tenderness and tears are shared as life's happenings are sorted through or a new reality of self is discovered.  I've shared lunchtime discussions where I'm challenged by those whose commitment to a life of godliness puts me to shame.  I get to hear the Word preached three times a week during Chapel talks that range from very good to redemptive edification that isn't soon forgotten.  I hear hundreds of students sing with such beauty and fervor that singing along is often difficult due to the sizable lump in my throat.  I have daily snapshots of hilarity with the very funny Chapel Staff.

A healthy perspective provides clarity for the changes ahead.  I have a lot of excitement for slow summer days filled with family shenanigans.  I'm excited to sleep in, run when I like, and cook recipes that take time to prepare regardless of how well they do or do not freeze.  When Fall 2015 begins I look forward to cultivating existing relationships and watching for the start of new ones. All that healthy perspective does little for the tears barely held at bay as I stand at my desk.  I'm usually quite happy in my slippered feet as my people flit in and out of my office.  For months Chaplain Lowe and I have skirted the issue that is Graduation Day until it is now staring us in the face.  When discussing the impending day of Senior bliss Grant said "It's really close.  Like hard to casually push aside close."

So, I'm soaking.  I'm grabbing the time with students that I can in between their papers and tests.  I'm cherishing the memories of watching them pop into my doorway or sitting on our office couch chatting away about nothing and everything.  I'm rejoicing in the great delight that many are coming back next year or staying in the area.  Mostly, I'm counting my blessings.  If I weren't so blessed by the relationships I've made then the change in my relational landscape wouldn't be so difficult.

Still Learning List

My knee jerk reaction is to fight turning the big 4-0 with every fiber of my being.  But honestly, what good will it do?  As Memaw always says, "It's better than the alternative." So here I am, NOT putting my head in the sand, curling up in the fetal position, or hiding under the covers.  Hitting this milestone has made me pause and reflect on how God has made me. Below are a few things I've learned over four decades and yet feel very far from fully knowing. I can tell you I have mastered nothing listed below and continuously struggle with a great deal, see Scattered and Overwhelmed. So here goes...my ongoing, still learning list.

1- Being emotionally "all in" isn't always ideal.  Andy says most people measure with multiple sized measuring cups when it comes to doling out emotion.  Not only do I have one sized measuring cup with which to administer but it's always full. I'm all in when it comes to emotions (see my relationship with the Atlanta Braves). I love caring for people.  It feeds me.  Thinking of a way to encourage someone or remind them of God's love for them spurs me on. Sounds great right? Well, sometimes my one size fits all measuring cup is larger than the moment requires, leaving people looking at me like a deer in headlights or not sure how to judge my motives. I try to be sensitive and often use Andy as a barometer.  I want to live out God's love for His children and acting out His love IS a huge blessing to me.  But sometimes...I need to rein it in.

2- Words of encouragement should never be minced.  For better and for worse, I tend to say what I'm thinking. As a result encouraging others comes rather naturally.  When I see good in others, I tend to verbally acknowledge and celebrate it. Recognizing the good in others isn't a rare quality. We all watch our family and friends succeed, make wise choices, experience God's goodness.  But how often do we express such insight and why do we hesitate?  Acknowledging the good in others makes us feel weak and/or vulnerable.  We feel as if we've failed somehow or as if we deserve better.  This selfish, prideful emotion causes us to look with disdain on their accomplishment or blessing.  Maybe we are so inward focused we fail to notice or we're just wired differently and fail to notice.  In that case, when we DO happen to notice, it will be all the more encouraging for such reflections to be voiced.

3- My awkward bone is broken.  Not sure if it's from shenanigans played out in my childhood (pushing my sister through McDonald's drive thru in a wheelbarrow for example) or it's just the way I'm built.  Whatever the cause, I find very little to get embarrassed over.  Inappropriate...I understand.  Awkward?  Just not in my wheel house.  Thankfully for all involved I'm pretty good at reading others.  If they seem a bit uncomfortable or engage in whispered conversation I assume I've created an awkward situation, analyze previous interaction, adjust accordingly.  I manage, and I apologize...often.

4-Shame is not the same as guilt.  Before reading Ed Welch's book Shame Interrupted I had never differentiated between guilt and shame.  We all have both. Guilt is feeling bad about what you've done but as often as not shame is a result of what others have done.  We're not sure where to place it.  Like everyone, there have been events throughout my life where I've experienced shame as a result of things I have done and things others have done. I have to remember that God knew both types of my shame from the beginning of time and chose to call me by name in spite of it.

5-Forgiveness is NEVER optional.  We have many options throughout life and sometimes they are justified, necessary, and clear.  Other times we live through difficult situations and our life is altered because of circumstances outside of our control. Whatever sins committed against us, whatever the circumstances entailed, forgiveness is mandatory. The act of forgiveness may not change our decisions or reactions but justice is the Lords and vindication should never be pursued.  Bitterness brought on by a lack of forgiveness fixes a filter over our eyes.  This filter cannot be removed and replaced like a set of spectacles.  We view our entire existence through that filter.  Every relationship.  Every circumstance.  It's daunting, debilitating, treacherous, and unacceptable for a child of the King.

Who can say it better then C.S. Lewis, “We forgive, we mortify our resentment; a week later some chain of thought carries us back to the original offence and we discover the old resentment blazing away as if nothing had been done about it at all. We need to forgive our brother seventy times seven not only for 490 offences but for one offence. ”

6- I will never stop fighting with Andy Jones.  Nothing this side of heaven matters more than my marriage.  I heard a friend recently describe her marriage as "broken".  Well, what else is to be expected when you have two broken people existing in a broken world amongst a broken society.  I am madly in love with David Andrew Jones and most of the time I even feel happy about it.  Love is not an emotion. It's a mental, purposeful, action involving choices throughout every day.  It produces emotion and all types of emotion.  When life overwhelms me, sin envelops me, selfishness attempts to control me...nothing matters more than acting out God's love for that man.  I have to choose to love him every minute of every day of every year of every decade.  Not because I'm so loyal or he's so fantastic (which he is) but because I promised I would. Come what may...we will never stop fighting for our marriage. 

As I reach this crazy, unfathomable milestone that is living 20 twice, I'm thankful.  Thankful for God's inconceivable faithfulness to me.  Thankful for my extremely blessed existence.  And very, very thankful for you.  Thank you dear friend, acquaintance, family member who has taken the time to read this very long blog post and has put up with not only my learning but the eccentricities therefore produced.

My name sake...Heleena Honea Troxel