Sunday, September 17, 2017

Measurements and Image-Bearing

Today at Rock Creek we sang So Will I by Hillsong. I was so excited to help teach this new song to our congregation. I thought like most things unfamiliar the people in the wooden chairs at RCF might approach the song with hesitation. I on the other hand, was going to be bold as I sang the wonderful lyrics hoping others would feel free to do the same with confidence. The first verse went great. The chorus was also great except, I came in six beats before everyone else. I'm not saying I was wrong, but I was definitely the only one singing in that moment. Those of you who have never sung into a microphone in front of a room full of people are thinking "that sounds like the worst!" The rest of you would confirm that to be a correct sentiment. Unfortunately this will happen again as it has happened before (cue flashback to choir tour of 1990's duet with Joe Evans).

In God's sweet providence I had two events that prepped me for this moment. The first happened on Friday as I sat in Covenant College's chapel and listened to Vaneetha Rendall Risner share her story. Be kind to yourself, take some time, and listen here. One does not hear her tale of suffering, comfort and redemption without being forever changed. Her words ringing in my ears allowed my impromptu solo to feel as insignificant as it was in actuality. 

The second preparatory lesson happened Saturday morning as I spent time on my back deck reading Jen Wilkin's book "None Like Him" (shout out to Megan Hulse for loaning it to me, your handwritten thoughts on it's pages are my favorite). In the book's first chapter, Wilkin identifies God as one concerned with measurements. Her list of examples includes everything from arks, hairs on heads, grains of sand, length of limbs, circumference of our crania, and our very days. Then she reminds the reader, "all that he measures is perfect in measurement. All that he binds is perfectly boundaried." 

Music being one of God's most powerful gifts is unsurprisingly very measured. Beats make up notes, notes fill measures, measures create verses or stanzas. Add a bridge and/or a chorus and you have yourself a song. I was given the timely reminder by Wilkin just hours prior to my unfortunate miscalculation of measurement that being an image-bearer doesn't require perfection. Being an image-bearer "means reflecting as a limited being the perfections of a limitless God."
Our whole lives as Christ-followers are to be given over to the identification and celebration of the limits God has ordained for us. He lovingly teaches them to us through his Word, through trials, through discipline. He humbles us through these means to remind us that we are not him, nor is anyone or anything else we know.                            
-Jen Wilkins, None Like Him
Consider myself humbled! Later in the song this morning we all sang at the same time, much to my relief, words that had extra meaning after my rough start:


And as You speak
A hundred billion failures disappear

Where You lost Your life so I could find it here

If You left the grave behind You so will I

I can see Your heart in everything You’ve done

Every part designed in a work of art called love

If You gladly chose surrender so will I



So Will I, by Hillsong



Me and Vaneetha before Friday's chapel. 
You're gonna want to read her blog, Dance in the Rain.





Thursday, August 10, 2017

Nuts and Bolts of 21 Years

Today, I've been married as many years as I have been single. When you first get married you feel so in love you couldn't possibly love the other more than you do right now. Then you struggle and work and live and a couple of decades later you realize it isn't the new exciting love anymore. It's richer, it's deeper, and it settles you. Every marriage is different and riddled with difficulty.  I wouldn't begin to think I had answers or solutions for anyone else's marriage. But here are a few connections I've made that help us remain intact.

It's important to believe in each other and encourage one another to try. When Andy Jones wants to fix something I may not be able to watch but I holler from the adjacent room my unfailing confidence. Sometimes the act of "fixing" involves drilling holes in my kitchen ceiling or days of waiting for parts to come in the mail while the guts of an appliance clutter the floor. He learned things and as the years have passed he's fixed a dryer, a freezer and the A/C without having to call a repair man. For the last few weeks he's been planning various backpacking trips to take over the coming year. As long as he doesn't try and drag me with him, I'm all for it! 

While we are two people who have become one, God has given us very different gifts. Sometimes these gifts take us each down individual avenues.  Andy sits on multiple boards of various non-profits. This takes time and resources and God graciously provides both. I have a baker's dozen worth of twenty-somethings that I love to love. As a result, two or three times a week I'm on the back deck, earbuds in, talking through someone's latest circumstance. I'm texting, writing out intercessory prayers, and walking through life with these friends. These types of activities take time and emotional energy. But living life with these peeps brings me so much joy. 

Last July Andy preached a sermon at Rock Creek Fellowship titled "Crazy Little Thing Called Love". He spoke about love, respect, and gardening. He also referred to me as a 4-H babe, which I totally am and always will be. His parting thought for RCF was that we need to give up on marriage. He said, "We need to give up placing a burden on marriage it was never meant to bear." Neither of us can be the source of joy, blessing or hope for the future. While God often gives me joy, blessing and hope through Andy, he is not the source of these blessings. Trying to find emotional or spiritual fulfillment in anyone save our sweet Savior ends in crushing not just our relationship but also ourselves. 

Out of all the posts that make up this blog, one of my favorites is from our anniversary two years ago called #19yearsandcounting. There, I lay out the fabric of our marriage. Here I give you the nuts and bolts.


We try not to make our co-workers as uncomfortable as we aspire to make our children. 

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Stealth Prayer Warrior and Friend

Spring semester 2015 found me on the phone with an elderly man from Pennsylvania. Since his daughter's graduation in the 80's he had been praying for Covenant College and was looking for an avenue to find out specific needs for that castle in the clouds. As our conversation commenced I came to the amazing realization that Don had been praying over the same news letter every day for ten years. I thought, surely...I can get this man some new material.

I collaborated with other departments and put his mailing address on every list I could find. I also started copying the semester's chapel schedule in a document titled "Don's Chapel Schedule" with an additional column on the right. This column included specifics, explanations, bits of information so Don could pray effectively for our department and our school. I'd mail it to our Pennsylvania prayer warrior along with a thank you note. A few times each semester Don would give me a call. When the Chapel Department wrapped up a big conference or when students were just getting back from a break he would check in. See how things went or how students were adjusting.

Some point along the way he started asking specifics about my life, how all my college friends were, did my son make the baseball team, had Emma chosen a college. Fast forward a semester and he asked how Emma's freshman year was going, how my husband's job was, how I felt missing all those who had graduated and moved on. Quite organically, Don soon became MY prayer warrior as well. Who doesn't need more people praying for them! He would pray for me, right there on the phone as the chaos of my office commenced around me. Then he would say, "I love ya, dear!"

I have never met Don in person, I don't even know what he looks like. I know he loves puns. I know he takes care of his wife everyday. I know he goes on mission trips during the summer months. I know he believes First John 5:14 with every fiber of his being and he prays boldly and fervently for a lot of people. I know my life is better because of Don's prayers and I'm thankful. The common friendship we have with the Holy Spirit makes us comrades in this world despite differing geographic locations, never having met, and experiencing life at completely different intervals. These eccentricities of our friendship make it spectacular. It's a reminder of God's faithful, at times unconventional care for his children. 

Don's a keeper. I don't have specifics to send him about the Chapel Department and we've been playing phone tag for the last few weeks. But soon we'll touch base. I'll ask about his wife, tell him about my new job, he'll pray for me and say "I love ya, dear".  I'll remind him to let me know when he comes south to visit his daughter. Because the only thing greater than your very own prayer warrior is actually meeting him in person! Stay tuned! I believe one day it will happen!

"But it is greater friendship when the Holy Spirit comes and teaches you all things; it is greater friendship when he bears with your stupidity, and when he opens your hearts to receive the truth in the love of it. This is friendship."
Robert Murray M'Cheyne

Saturday, May 13, 2017

#OhDannyMac and Stoic Stonewall

When Daniel brought me a brightly colored paper with printed instructions for his school project, I immediately started feeling cranky. WHY!?!? Why must teachers assign projects that require MY brain power, lists of materials, yard sticks and markers! Needless to say I wasn't winning any awards with my attitude and that was before I realized my child had chosen the project requiring the most artistic ability. He could have chosen to recite the Gettysburg Address or create a simple poster outlining General Grant's military strategy for one of his many battles. Oh no...Daniel wanted to make a 3D model of the stoic "Stonewall" Jackson.

Andy and I did what all good parents do and told our sweet eleven year old that he couldn't possibly make such a thing. He expressed ideas involving clay and paint with bright eyed wonder and merriment. Again we tried to dissuade him, I even texted his teacher asking if there was another way...it got ugly and tears were shed. Mrs. Aldridge, the true hero of this tale, sent me a web address with instructions how to create a paper mache mask. She told me, and I quote, "Daniel is going to make the BEST project!" Reluctantly and with little to no gusto, I jumped on board reminding Daniel that this will have to be all his work cause Mama has zero artistic ability. I can't cut a straight line...never could! Just ask my mother! But Danny Mac and I put our heads together, followed the instructions exactly and created a big balloon covered ball. Then I sent it with him to school for he and Mrs. Aldridge to finish. DONE...right?

There just wasn't enough time in the school day to complete the project so the balloon head came home like a boomerang. Internally I panicked while Andy bought paint and Daniel went to work. He painted a face on that balloon head. Then he painted a box grey and added black lines to look like a stone wall for effect. He painted another box grey and cut out yellow buttons for the front of that box, slapped the face painted balloon head on top and BOOM! Stoic Stonewall in the flesh (well, sorta). Honestly, it's amazing. While I'm super proud of Danny Mac and his crazy fifth grade artsy skillz I feel I have a lot to learn.

Looking back at the ordeal in it's entirety I can't allow myself to overlook my parenting fail. Actually, I may have even failed at just being a good human. As I analyze, I realize my hesitation wasn't due to my fear that Daniel wouldn't accomplish his goal of completed project and pride in his accomplishment. My reluctance was that I couldn't help him do it perfectly. I'm a perfectionist. It's not a terrible thing until it's a terrible thing. I'm thankful that after 18 years at this parenting gig they teach me so much more than I could possibly teach them. I can't help how precisely I see life. My attention to detail helps me do the jobs God has given me to accomplish. This quality becomes a curse when I try and apply it to others and especially in this case when I tried to require perfection in a 5th grade school project for my youngest child. 

Happy Mother's Day guys...thanks for your patience as I continue to learn what it means to be your mama.



Presenting to younger students

He still loves me and lets me be his proud Mama

Talking Stonewall with Superintendent Raines



Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Learning to Love Dandelions

In the summer of 2014 a lunch meeting with a local chaplain led Andy to check out the Covenant College job board. He emailed me the specifics of an admin job that seemed to fit my skill set and...it had summers off! Yippee!

In that moment, I had no idea how the months prior to those summers off would include tear filled drives to work and heart breaking goodbyes (for elaboration on all the feels Thankful for CovenantTime and My Relational LandscapeLunch Ladies and L'Abri). I laugh when I think about how blindsided I was to find a ministry tacked onto calendar updates, emails and endless to do lists. Somehow along the way I developed a life on campus outside administrative duties and I'm so much better for it. Covenant students are literally the best this world has to offer (with the exception of one Furman Paladin) and I have been so blessed to learn from them these last few years.

I've been reminded of the value in asking questions that cannot be answered with a yes or a no. How sometimes the best thing to do is sit quietly so words recently spoken can bounce around, circle the room, reverberate and be heard by the speaker themselves. I've tried to remember that I don't have to have all the answers when I have the love of Christ to love with, the Holy Spirit to listen to and a common goal of obedience encompassed with redemptive grace. I've been blessed to see patterns in life's happenings that seem to have no connection until you watch them spiral to core issues where they can be grasped and ripped out of the deepest and darkest recesses of human hearts. The process of discipleship brings such rich joy. Learning with others how to obey and seeing God be faithful to sanctify has renewed my faith many times. Through these years at Covenant, students reminded me that loving others is my jam and one of my favorite parts about being me.

Leaving this job I've loved, while sad, is also exciting. I'm excited to take new self realization and live it out down the mountain. I have a whole 20ish years to dedicate to a new career and I can't wait to get started! I can't wait to learn all the new things from a perfect team to serve what I'm sure are always wonderful customers! In March I traveled to London with a group of students and was incorporated into the life of a church working predominantly with people of Middle Eastern decent. As I learned about Middle Eastern religions and how the true Word of God is strong enough to handle their questions, I was amazed at how important it is to take time to build relationships and assess your mission field. It made me excited for new ground, new people, new conversations in which God can prove the reality of his existence.

If the dandelions in my yard would remain small yellow flowers that are contained, organized, exactly where I want them to be, they would be easier to appreciate. However, knowing the unpredictability of their future is very frustrating. They become balls of fluffy seeds ready for the wind to swoop up and take far far away (or straight into my well groomed flower beds where I will curse them, dig them up and throw them into the woods). We rarely stay at jobs we love forever. Life brings important people into our relational landscape long enough to alter us, teach us, love us and then they go do something else somewhere else. Children learn, grow, have their own ideas that separate them as individuals with a plan of their own. I'm learning to be thankful for the time that flower was bright and contained and to appreciate the gift it is to watch the wind blow it's seeds around.

Mostly, my heart is just so filled with gratitude. I'm thankful for the fun filled three years packed with rich relationships built on a common love for a blessed Savior. Thankful for Covenant in general but mostly for the handful of students I'm taking with me. I can't wait for the phone calls, social media glimpses and especially those planned crossing of paths. I'm always ready to pray for you and with you no matter the amount of dropped calls or funny faces stuck on frozen face time screens. My life is richer because of you and I love you.

Some pics with my London peeps! #CovLondon17




Sunday, January 22, 2017

Just the Best Nana Ever

A ninety-two year old Nana in declining health who has suffered years of dementia is supposed to leave this world. Her passing wasn't a shock and in large part was cause for joy. But, you see, she was just the best Nana ever.

When I was a little girl, my sister and I took a trip with my grandparents to see some of my Grandad's land. I don't remember where this land was located but he seemed proud of it and we had a day wandering through the woods with our Nana. I remember laughing until my sides hurt at her little jokes. She was so silly in the simplest ways, always finding fun and always willing to laugh at herself.

On our trek through Grandad's woods we found a pile of bones which resulted in three very different reactions. My older sister thought they were cool. I was a bit disgusted. Nana was sad. She wondered out loud what type of animal had left this lifeless pile and if he was missed. She voiced questions about the animal's family, "Were his wife and children waiting for his return? Did he suffer?" She took a stick, brushed away the leaves and drew a circle of protection in the dirt around the bones. This was done with seriousness of heart, all the while laughing at herself and her silliness. Forever the kindergarten teacher, Nana had the heart of a child. She was always singing, telling stories, drawing imaginary protective barriers to protect piles of deteriorated animal remains.

Her last hours on earth were spent reminding her who she was and all she meant to all of us. At times Nana would seem agitated and we would try to hear her whispers, give her more or less cover, put lotion on muscles that may or may not ache. During one of these moments she became very animated and was struggling to communicate. My Aunt Bud started quoting one of her favorite children's books "Are you My Mother?" Nana instantly calmed, settled and started mouthing the words as her youngest child recited them from memory.

At the end of a lengthy period of lucidity Nana looked past me, over my shoulder, and focused at the blank wall behind me. She raised her hand, pointed and her very blue eyes held a look of amazement.

I asked her, "What do you see, Nana?"
She formed the word friends.
"Are they beautiful?"
"Oh yeah" she whispered.
"Are they singing?"
"Singing"
"Do they sing better than I do?"
"Oh yeah."
I replied, "I'm ok with that."

As we watched my Nana struggle to live and then when we celebrated her passed life, one thing was very clear. My Nana made an art form out of loving those close to her. Each of her thirteen grandchildren felt like we were the favorite. At the end of every visit, she just couldn't seem to say goodbye. It was as if you were trying to rip away a part of herself. She didn't have to try and make those in her life FEEL loved. She genuinely, truly, whole heartedly, loved you. It flowed through her and permeated her being as she sang, danced, threatened to lock you in the closet so she could keep you, and as she literally chased you down as you tried to drive away.

In his homily at Nana's funeral Andy provided the greatest comfort:

"Nana no longer has faith. It may unsettle you to hear this: Nana is now faithless. She no longer needs faith. She has sight. She has left the shadow lands and has been ushered into the presence of the royal city. She is now experiencing in fullness everything she had believed while on earth."

I'll never forget his words on Nana's faithlessness. While she no longer needs faith or hope, she will always and forever love.



My Nana

Alicia, Carin, Dave and Kimmy (photobombed by a couple of hooligans)

Most of Nana's Grandfavorites (in birth order...*sigh*)

Some of Nana's Greatfavorites...imagine the crazy!