Time and My Relational Landscape

Time is fickle.  The same span of days can fly by in one regard and drag along in another.  It seems like forever since I saw my friend Robin about half way through the spring semester.  The very same span of time feels like days rather than months.

The first four months of 2015 have been dense with normal exceptions.  I don't have life altering events or easily specified milestones to dictate.  I've been privileged to witness moments when tenderness and tears are shared as life's happenings are sorted through or a new reality of self is discovered.  I've shared lunchtime discussions where I'm challenged by those whose commitment to a life of godliness puts me to shame.  I get to hear the Word preached three times a week during Chapel talks that range from very good to redemptive edification that isn't soon forgotten.  I hear hundreds of students sing with such beauty and fervor that singing along is often difficult due to the sizable lump in my throat.  I have daily snapshots of hilarity with the very funny Chapel Staff.

A healthy perspective provides clarity for the changes ahead.  I have a lot of excitement for slow summer days filled with family shenanigans.  I'm excited to sleep in, run when I like, and cook recipes that take time to prepare regardless of how well they do or do not freeze.  When Fall 2015 begins I look forward to cultivating existing relationships and watching for the start of new ones. All that healthy perspective does little for the tears barely held at bay as I stand at my desk.  I'm usually quite happy in my slippered feet as my people flit in and out of my office.  For months Chaplain Lowe and I have skirted the issue that is Graduation Day until it is now staring us in the face.  When discussing the impending day of Senior bliss Grant said "It's really close.  Like hard to casually push aside close."

So, I'm soaking.  I'm grabbing the time with students that I can in between their papers and tests.  I'm cherishing the memories of watching them pop into my doorway or sitting on our office couch chatting away about nothing and everything.  I'm rejoicing in the great delight that many are coming back next year or staying in the area.  Mostly, I'm counting my blessings.  If I weren't so blessed by the relationships I've made then the change in my relational landscape wouldn't be so difficult.

Still Learning List

My knee jerk reaction is to fight turning the big 4-0 with every fiber of my being.  But honestly, what good will it do?  As Memaw always says, "It's better than the alternative." So here I am, NOT putting my head in the sand, curling up in the fetal position, or hiding under the covers.  Hitting this milestone has made me pause and reflect on how God has made me. Below are a few things I've learned over four decades and yet feel very far from fully knowing. I can tell you I have mastered nothing listed below and continuously struggle with a great deal, see Scattered and Overwhelmed. So here goes...my ongoing, still learning list.

1- Being emotionally "all in" isn't always ideal.  Andy says most people measure with multiple sized measuring cups when it comes to doling out emotion.  Not only do I have one sized measuring cup with which to administer but it's always full. I'm all in when it comes to emotions (see my relationship with the Atlanta Braves). I love caring for people.  It feeds me.  Thinking of a way to encourage someone or remind them of God's love for them spurs me on. Sounds great right? Well, sometimes my one size fits all measuring cup is larger than the moment requires, leaving people looking at me like a deer in headlights or not sure how to judge my motives. I try to be sensitive and often use Andy as a barometer.  I want to live out God's love for His children and acting out His love IS a huge blessing to me.  But sometimes...I need to rein it in.

2- Words of encouragement should never be minced.  For better and for worse, I tend to say what I'm thinking. As a result encouraging others comes rather naturally.  When I see good in others, I tend to verbally acknowledge and celebrate it. Recognizing the good in others isn't a rare quality. We all watch our family and friends succeed, make wise choices, experience God's goodness.  But how often do we express such insight and why do we hesitate?  Acknowledging the good in others makes us feel weak and/or vulnerable.  We feel as if we've failed somehow or as if we deserve better.  This selfish, prideful emotion causes us to look with disdain on their accomplishment or blessing.  Maybe we are so inward focused we fail to notice or we're just wired differently and fail to notice.  In that case, when we DO happen to notice, it will be all the more encouraging for such reflections to be voiced.

3- My awkward bone is broken.  Not sure if it's from shenanigans played out in my childhood (pushing my sister through McDonald's drive thru in a wheelbarrow for example) or it's just the way I'm built.  Whatever the cause, I find very little to get embarrassed over.  Inappropriate...I understand.  Awkward?  Just not in my wheel house.  Thankfully for all involved I'm pretty good at reading others.  If they seem a bit uncomfortable or engage in whispered conversation I assume I've created an awkward situation, analyze previous interaction, adjust accordingly.  I manage, and I apologize...often.

4-Shame is not the same as guilt.  Before reading Ed Welch's book Shame Interrupted I had never differentiated between guilt and shame.  We all have both. Guilt is feeling bad about what you've done but as often as not shame is a result of what others have done.  We're not sure where to place it.  Like everyone, there have been events throughout my life where I've experienced shame as a result of things I have done and things others have done. I have to remember that God knew both types of my shame from the beginning of time and chose to call me by name in spite of it.

5-Forgiveness is NEVER optional.  We have many options throughout life and sometimes they are justified, necessary, and clear.  Other times we live through difficult situations and our life is altered because of circumstances outside of our control. Whatever sins committed against us, whatever the circumstances entailed, forgiveness is mandatory. The act of forgiveness may not change our decisions or reactions but justice is the Lords and vindication should never be pursued.  Bitterness brought on by a lack of forgiveness fixes a filter over our eyes.  This filter cannot be removed and replaced like a set of spectacles.  We view our entire existence through that filter.  Every relationship.  Every circumstance.  It's daunting, debilitating, treacherous, and unacceptable for a child of the King.

Who can say it better then C.S. Lewis, “We forgive, we mortify our resentment; a week later some chain of thought carries us back to the original offence and we discover the old resentment blazing away as if nothing had been done about it at all. We need to forgive our brother seventy times seven not only for 490 offences but for one offence. ”

6- I will never stop fighting with Andy Jones.  Nothing this side of heaven matters more than my marriage.  I heard a friend recently describe her marriage as "broken".  Well, what else is to be expected when you have two broken people existing in a broken world amongst a broken society.  I am madly in love with David Andrew Jones and most of the time I even feel happy about it.  Love is not an emotion. It's a mental, purposeful, action involving choices throughout every day.  It produces emotion and all types of emotion.  When life overwhelms me, sin envelops me, selfishness attempts to control me...nothing matters more than acting out God's love for that man.  I have to choose to love him every minute of every day of every year of every decade.  Not because I'm so loyal or he's so fantastic (which he is) but because I promised I would. Come what may...we will never stop fighting for our marriage. 

As I reach this crazy, unfathomable milestone that is living 20 twice, I'm thankful.  Thankful for God's inconceivable faithfulness to me.  Thankful for my extremely blessed existence.  And very, very thankful for you.  Thank you dear friend, acquaintance, family member who has taken the time to read this very long blog post and has put up with not only my learning but the eccentricities therefore produced.

My name sake...Heleena Honea Troxel

Merry Christmas from Me to You

I love getting Christmas cards.  I even love sending Christmas cards but some times a project like that takes a back seat to other necessities like feeding children and earning a living.  Maybe a Christmas blog will be an acceptable proxy...

EMMA...

continues to grow in grace and beauty but not so much in stature.  We're pretty sure she will continue to view the world from 5 feet nuthin' for the remainder of her existence.  The last few months she has proven that her sizable noggin houses a sizable brain.  She finished the semester with straight A's including A/P History, Honors Chemistry and Honors Pre-Cal.  Her PSAT score was 10 points higher than anyone else at her school and put her in the top 93% in the nation.  Andy and I find that acceptable.  To top it off, Emma landed the role of Sandy in the upcoming production of Grease!  While the thought of her stage kissing boys has caused her father to curl into the fetal position we are super excited to see her dance around the stage in her poodle skirt and pony tail.  Seriously, we are so proud of the witty, bright, beautiful girl God is continuing to create in our Emma.

ELIOT...

has disappeared.  In his place, someone has dropped a deep voiced, muscle clad man child. His report card is mostly A's with one B, probably a pretty girl in that class.  The Chattanooga Valley Eagles football team went into the playoffs undefeated with Eliot playing in most games as the backup quarterback.  Eliot's good buddy Tanner was the starting quarterback and was always a huge source of encouragement to LT and often encouraged coach to put #14 in the game.  Not every kid would give up playing time so willingly.  Now that we've turned our focus to baseball Eliot is working hard to improve his skilz. I'm not sure who will be more pitiful if he doesn't make the team this year...the player or his mama.  Eliot would have loved to wrestle in between those two sports but took a back seat for a bit so his little brother could try his hand at basketball.  Speaking of...

DANIEL...

grows enough every day to make up for Emma's lack of growth and his size 6 shoe tells us he isn't going to stop anytime soon.  His over the top physique fits his personality perfectly.  It's hard to describe the vivacious, life-loving, passionate person that is Danny Mac.  He says everything he thinks and I'm here to tell you, that kid thinks all the time.  The struggle is to keep him from telling everyone all the family secrets.  His last report card was not only almost all A's but included five 100s!  He memorized his multiplication facts without the use of flash cards or needing any assistance at home.  His mind is a steel trap.  Along with his brilliance comes a sensitive, loving spirit that makes this Mama proud.  According to the older kids he gets away with everything the baby of the family should and then some.  If don't believe a word of it but he sure is cute!

If you want an update on LEAH see my most recent post Thankful for Covenant.  

For the first time ever I'm going to allow ANDY to take part in a blog post...don't get used to it:

Travelled three times to Africa and countless times across the United States. For the second year in a row, he got season tickets for Auburn football and knows every exit between our house and the plains. He had the opportunity to speak to more than 3,500 people this year and helped the Chalmers Center reach record-setting levels of donations. He also decided to start a business which will hopefully be the highlight of next year's family update. 

Thankful for Covenant

Mid-August found me applying for a job in Covenant College's Chapel Department.  While I knew the list of qualifications fit me perfectly I did not know that Grant and Sandi Lowe had been faithfully praying over that list of qualifications.  As I looked at the job description, I felt it fit my skills and my family's schedule.  After interviewing with Chaplain Grant Lowe and Christiana Fitzpatrick I felt even more excited and waited with great anticipation when FINALLY, Grant called and asked if I'd like to work at Covenant College.

Two days after that phone call I found myself pouring over binders of information and multiple data bases that would become a huge part of my job.  My suspicion that I would enjoy accomplishing the list of tasks described on Covenant's Job Board proved true. I loved it.  The first few weeks were a bit overwhelming when the start of a new semester brought students, chapel speakers, and all the details therein.  Lucky for me, I have a great boss who comparatively makes the most relaxed person seem uptight.  My many many small mistakes were laughed off or overlooked.  His confidence in my ability allowed me the freedom to keep trying and not burst into tears when I planned a luncheon but totally forgot to invite students to attend.  Catered meal...check.  Special guest...check.  25 students to enjoy said meal and form questions for said special guest...crickets.

Speaking of students...I'm so impressed by Covenant's student body.   Most students I observe from afar as they mill about and scan for Chapel.  Then there are those few I've been blessed to know more intimately. I was totally intimidated my first few days of "school".  I feared students would find me cranky, frumpy, and just plain old.  Then really super cool things started to take place.  Things like Ryan coming in strictly to ask me how my day was going.  If his "check ins" coincided with moments of frustration he would lend me a patient ear and remind me that I was new and would one day know what the heck I was doing.  "Ryan the Intern" doesn't have to talk me off a cliff nowadays but his company and conversation are still stellar and a highlight of any day.  I also have the pleasure of supervising amazing work study students.  These guys are the cream of the crop.  While I had no part in picking them "Utterly Kendra", "Jon Boy" and "Roger That" are exactly the ones I would have hand picked.  "Bells" may not be MY work study but she makes for good company and can work for hours without making a peep.  Yes, we're big on nicknames and even have a not so secret Chapel Department handshake.  These students and many more have become my friends.  They have become a great source of encouragement to me and often give me the privilege of knowing them.  Not only do they share with me their joys but also their frustrations.  This is by far my most favorite part of my new world.

The one part of my job that I absolutely hate is the ever looming graduation day.  While I'm super thankful for the students that are sticking around, I'm so sad to have such a short time with the Seniors.  I try to focus on being thankful that I started working at Covenant this year so I get to miss them next year rather than miss knowing them at all.

The Kind that Lasts

For two decades I've been blessed with the utmost confidence that as long as Andy Jones walked the earth, I would have a most trusted ally. As I take this walk through life I'm continuously recognizing who I am and learning who I want to be (cue Ben Rector's "When I'm With You").  As one maneuvers circumstances and decides what road to venture down, life can feel lonely.  Sometimes just taking on the day to day fears of life can seem daunting.   In the most trying of days, after mistakes or failures, in moments of fear and doubt, I've been pointed to the cross.  I've had my hand held and my ears filled with truth all the while being reassured that no matter what, I would be loved.  

To say I'm thankful for this undeserved blessing and the benefit it provides is a poor use of words.  If I were to try and describe how much I depend on my husband to comfort and protect me I would sound weak and maybe a little obsessed.  Over the years in seasons of insecurity my reliance on my husband has set him up for failure. Depending on any human for securities only God can supply is just plain wrong.  His intelligence is such that I expect him to know all the answers, solve all my problems and deliver knowledge on all subjects akin to google.  On a recent three day get away I found it delightful how time to myself could be perfected by the company of my husband.  In other words, when we are together alone, it feels like refreshing alone time.  We read each other's thoughts, finish each other's sentences, laugh at our individual eccentricities and belly laugh at life's irony.   

While this type of familiarity is wonderful it can also be a threat.  We are such one person I forget to appreciate him.  Often times when I have too many irons in the fire he's the first to be sacrificed.  My selfishness can be so consumptive I take him and the blessing that he is for granted.  We have had seasons of marital bliss and frightening times that were a fight.  We have struggled to love each other and have had to trust that God would bless our faith and once again instill the feeling of loving each other.  While love is not an emotion it does cause many types of emotion and forgiveness is always mandatory.  I'm so thankful for the pouring on of God's great mercy and how our love for one another has pierced through all facets of our being.

So I want to wish Andy a very Happy Birthday.  While falling in love so many years ago was a joy, choosing to love each other through all the years since has been the sustenance of life.   

Scattered and Overwhelmed

“Scattered and overwhelmed” are two words someone used to describe me recently.  The context was appropriate and the discussion edifying.  But oh my wounded pride.  That’s not at all what I want to be!  I want to be refined and capable!  Organized and trustworthy!  Humbly successful most definitely!  I realize each of these adjectives have one thing in common.  They are attainable to the eyes of my fellow man.  I wish my focus was trained on being sacrificial, thoughtful and quietly trusting. I wish I walked through life unconcerned with how others view me.  Funny thing is, my biggest concern is how I see myself.

I love efficiency.  Rarely will you find me in my kitchen cooking “a” meal.  I’m usually attacking pounds of meat bought in bulk and prepping it for the freezer as the night’s vittles are shoved into the oven.  Sometimes going for a run feels like a waste of time so I really like to run with a friend.  I can get my exercise and a little visit. If I can take my dog along then I’m golden!  It’s a beautiful thing, efficiency. I also have great difficulty starting a job I cannot complete. I have huge flower beds and I can NEVER keep up with the weeding.  I try to set aside an entire day so I can pull all the weeds infiltrating the acre or so surrounding our house.  As you would expect, the amount of weeding that must be done could lay me up for weeks if I try to clean them all out in a day.  So why can’t I just do a little at a time?  If I can’t accomplish a task then it’s really difficult for me to get started. 

Unfortunately, these character traits play out when it comes to my prayer life and study of scripture.  Perfect knowledge of God’s word is not attainable or even close to attainable.  Cue being overwhelmed. I like to pray while I run or as I’m cooking for my family.  However, sitting quietly in my “prayer closet” makes me feel antsy. I’m not saying this is good or acceptable.  I’m trying to say that even good characteristics must be overcome as we strive for holiness.  Efficiency and dovetailing isn’t bad.  It’s totally acceptable to pray while I do a great many things.  I also must make myself spend time resting in my Savior.  I’ve had two separate people during two different conversations encourage me to allow the Holy Spirit to pour back in as life uses up. 

I guess what I’m learning about myself is I’m still striving to earn the love God has already chosen to bestow.  He in His great kindness chosen to love me.  He chased me down and forgave me of my wretchedness and continues to see me as perfectly wonderful.  Tears fill my eyes at the relief of letting go of all I’ve been striving to be.  It’s impossible to be the perfect anything but a perfect culmination of mother, wife, co-worker, friend, and neighbor sets one up for failure.  It is futile and positively ludicrous. My family doesn't need me to be perfect. They need me to trust in the One who lived a perfect existence and atoned for all my past, present and future imperfections.

Sailboat

The last few weeks have been very uncharacteristic for me.  If you’ve seen me during this time period, no doubt I have responded to your standard “how are you?” with some form of “I’m kinda in a funk.”  If I were more thoughtful I’d be able to burden EVERYONE less.  I could respond in kind with a “Doing just fine!  How about yourself?” 

The good news is I’m learning a lot about myself and how my sinful nature is currently choosing to play out in my person.  The bad news is now I feel the urge to blog about it.  I recently read a wonderful blog post by Vaneetha Rendall Demski on prayer and the primary position it holds in her life.  I thanked her for this timely reminder and she responded by telling me she wrote that post as a reminder to herself.  She seems really smart so I’ve chosen to follow her example and blog the things I’m learning and the avenues God has chosen by which to direct His insights.  The simplicity of such realizations make me feel weak and a bit embarrassed.  I wish I could learn something once and adhere it to my soul in order to fasten it always to my heart’s desire. 

When Ben Rector wrote “Sailboat” he may have been thinking of a physical existence.  Maybe the musician wasn’t quite sure where he was headed geographically or in which city the tour bus would be stopping next.  Google no doubt holds these specifics but this song expresses quite beautifully how I have felt lately in a spiritual sense.  I’ve no doubt been frustration by my inability to be the sailboat as well as the One who makes the wind blow.  I really want to try and feed myself while living an existence without the need of nourishment.  Then when the waves roll no wonder I feel lost and alone.

I have seen the sun
Felt the rain on my skin
I've been lost and found
But mostly I've been waiting

In moments of worry perpetuated by concern for how others see me I’m oblivious to seeing the sun and feeling the “rain on my skin.”  While surrounded by blessings I’m so self-absorbed I feel alone, inept and as if I have failed in every way possible. Fear not, as He has promised God is continuing to make all things new.  I’m coming to realizations I’ve reached before and will one day need to reach again.  These types of blog posts are for me to come back to when my God-given eccentricities fall into sinful desires resulting in human frailty.  Feel free to disregard and come back when the material is more appealing.