Sailboat

The last few weeks have been very uncharacteristic for me.  If you’ve seen me during this time period, no doubt I have responded to your standard “how are you?” with some form of “I’m kinda in a funk.”  If I were more thoughtful I’d be able to burden EVERYONE less.  I could respond in kind with a “Doing just fine!  How about yourself?” 

The good news is I’m learning a lot about myself and how my sinful nature is currently choosing to play out in my person.  The bad news is now I feel the urge to blog about it.  I recently read a wonderful blog post by Vaneetha Rendall Demski on prayer and the primary position it holds in her life.  I thanked her for this timely reminder and she responded by telling me she wrote that post as a reminder to herself.  She seems really smart so I’ve chosen to follow her example and blog the things I’m learning and the avenues God has chosen by which to direct His insights.  The simplicity of such realizations make me feel weak and a bit embarrassed.  I wish I could learn something once and adhere it to my soul in order to fasten it always to my heart’s desire. 

When Ben Rector wrote “Sailboat” he may have been thinking of a physical existence.  Maybe the musician wasn’t quite sure where he was headed geographically or in which city the tour bus would be stopping next.  Google no doubt holds these specifics but this song expresses quite beautifully how I have felt lately in a spiritual sense.  I’ve no doubt been frustration by my inability to be the sailboat as well as the One who makes the wind blow.  I really want to try and feed myself while living an existence without the need of nourishment.  Then when the waves roll no wonder I feel lost and alone.

I have seen the sun
Felt the rain on my skin
I've been lost and found
But mostly I've been waiting

In moments of worry perpetuated by concern for how others see me I’m oblivious to seeing the sun and feeling the “rain on my skin.”  While surrounded by blessings I’m so self-absorbed I feel alone, inept and as if I have failed in every way possible. Fear not, as He has promised God is continuing to make all things new.  I’m coming to realizations I’ve reached before and will one day need to reach again.  These types of blog posts are for me to come back to when my God-given eccentricities fall into sinful desires resulting in human frailty.  Feel free to disregard and come back when the material is more appealing.