I've come to the conclusion after these 41 and a half years that change is hard. To be honest, I'm not a big fan. The past few months have been filled with plans driven by the purpose of going to Greenville, SC one day only to return the following day minus a child. A CHILD! I'm a mom! I'm supposed to constantly count heads making sure I return home with the same number with which I depart!
The mere thought of leaving Emma at college feels like the severing of a limb. While she is extremely independent, she usually needs me for something or other. Even when she doesn't need me, I'm involved. I'm always there and willing to give unsolicited advice (and it's rarely bad), speak into the situation whether she wants me to or not, answer questions she doesn't ask...ya know, the usual! In a few weeks, there will be so many happenings for her no amount or combination of phone calls, Instas and snaps can catch me up. She'll have conversations I'll be oblivious to, experiences I'll have no part in, feelings of which I'll never be aware.
When you have the best of husbands and all the stars align just right you find yourself sitting on Florida's beautiful gulf coast for two days by yourself. For me this time proved to be a gift of God's goodness and care. I needed this time to Re-Center. In 1839, Robert Murray M'Cheyne preached on "The Love of Christ". His closing illustration involves Peter walking on the water to get to Jesus. As long as he kept his eyes on his Savior, Peter was safe. When he looked at the mighty sea and the terrifying waves Peter would begin to sink.
"As long as you look believingly to the Saviour, who loved you, and gave Himself for you, so long you may tread the waters of life’s troubled sea, and the soles of your feet shall not be wet. But venture to look around upon the winds and waves that threaten you on every hand, and, like Peter, you begin to sink, and cry, 'Lord, save me!' How justly, then, may we address to you the Saviour’s rebuke to Peter: 'O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?' Look again to the love of the Saviour, and behold that love which constrains you to live no more to yourself, but to Him that died for you and rose again."
These wonderful heart piercing, soul healing days of reflection concluded in the form of a coffee date with a local friend, Debi Burns. I know Debi’s son Ryan from Covenant and I’m convinced she not only played a huge role in his successful transition into adult life but I believe she played it very very well. I thought, maybe it would be helpful to pick her brain, learn from her experience, ask how she managed this life altering transition that feels so very wrong.
As Debi and I chatted about when her kids left for college and the sense of finality that accompanies the weeks ahead of me, there was a common theme that crossed her lips. It’s ok to be so very sad. My quivering lips and tear filled eyes were not only accepted but also understood by someone who has walked the same path. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, God did not intend for us to be self sustaining. We need each other. I needed Debi’s questions, encouragement and comfort. I needed to hear her pray for me in ways I don’t know to pray for myself.
This separation, the day I leave my child to her own living, from the moment I say goodbye I will immediately begin to wonder what she's up to, what she's thinking, how she feels about all the events of the day. While this severing brought about by independence she has longed for and at times fought for feels like the cutting away of a limb or even a significant dissection of my very heart, it is good. And it's ok for it to be hard. As God has been faithful before, he will continuously continue to be. As he allowed for a heart healing, soul piercing few days of contemplation in the presence of his most beautiful creation, as he was faithful to bring about timely conversation with the likes of Debi Burns, he will be faithful in the most difficult of moments to cauterize my wounds. He won't let me bleed out. While my existence will look very different, I will continue to exist.
Panama City Beach, FL
