RE-CENTER

This week I joined Emma L'Abri at a banquet for parents of students in the top 10% of their graduating class. In an effort to actually arrive at said banquet I used google maps to find my way. As I set out I swiped the top bar left in order to see the next turn. And the next and then the next. At some point I looked down at the map and was very confused. Nothing looked familiar.

A few weeks ago I found myself in a similar state from a spiritual perspective. Those around me were suffering. I was overwhelmed by the sadness, sickness and sin that seemed to be coming from every direction. I have the tendency to love people ferociously and without hesitation which means when they suffer I can't not suffer with them. When a student's parent is very ill and they are afraid, I struggle to simply sit with them and their questions without wanting very much to fix it. 

In her most recent blog, Vaneetha Rendall  points out that Jesus' most basic need while suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane was companionship. 

     "Clearly this longing was not sinfully weak or needy. It did not reflect a lack of trust in   God or a fragile faith. It was simply human. God incarnate longed for fellowship. Because God created us to live in community. In the same way, our friends often long for presence in their suffering. Caring for them from a distance is not enough. They aren't looking for answers to their deepest questions. Or solutions to their pressing problems. They just need our presence."

On one of the darkest days during the last few weeks it seemed as though life was too much for Jesus to handle. Just my own sin and the brokenness I was aware of seemed insurmountable. I was afraid in that moment to cry out to God. I wasn't angry. I was just weak and sad. During quiet moments of prayer and reflection I realized I was trying to look at the next step and the one after that. Instead of sitting with those who were suffering I was trying to figure out what I could say to help. I wanted to know what my next turn should be. And the next and then the one after that. 

In Google Maps on the bottom left corner is a delightful little "Re-Center" button. When I've swiped left so many times I don't recognize the map on the screen I can hit that button and it takes me back to my current location where the streets make sense. This was exactly the kind of action I needed in the last few weeks. I needed to hit the re-center button and be reminded that the faithful God we serve is just that big. Rather than look for the next step I'm called to sit and weep with those who weep. So I hug those who are afraid. And tell them it is very ok not to be ok. 

I'm so thankful for a husband who understood my melancholy mood, for a mom who helped me process, for friends half my age who reminded me that I too am allowed to be weak and broken. 

Just Call Me Jonah

I am in constant need of being reminded that I am complete in Christ. Many of us struggle to feel atoned for gross imperfections by a Being that is perfectly righteous. If you're like me the overwhelming act of claiming sisterhood with our precious Lord or being named a daughter of God Almighty himself is so humbling that your soul begs to respond. We can’t help but search our heart for ways that we fail to match our precious life-giving Savior. We crave to be like Him. At times this desire can consume us and even turn into a self sustaining measure to feel as though we play a part in our sanctification although we know this to be untrue. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit is in the business of showing us our brokenness and making us brand new, every day, year after year.  

Since sitting in Sunday School at Adaton Baptist Church until now I've heard and read the story of Jonah many times. I’ve always been appalled and confused by Jonah's reaction to God's mercy toward the people of Nineveh.  When Jonah FINALLY gets to Nineveh and the people respond to his preaching with belief and praise, the missionary is ticked. In fact, in chapter four his displeasure with God is so fierce he requests death. You know, his displeasure with the very God who has bestowed mercy and stuffed truth into his own rebellious heart.  

Tim Keller explains brilliantly in "Counterfeit Gods" how Jonah's fear of failure runs simultaneously with his fear of success. Every bit of it stems from idolatry.  "Jonah's cultural and personal idols had melded into a toxic compound that was completely hidden from him. It led him to rebel against the very God he was so proud of serving."

I'm appalled at Jonah's reaction until I start to recognize a similar motive in myself. I am Jonah.  I too often allow my sin to form a toxic compound of which I am unaware. I see my sin of selfishness and settle for calling it pride.  When I pick apart a pattern of negative emotion, I sometimes find that pride would be more appropriately labeled as egotism and idolatry. 

Tonight, I baked a whole chicken for dinner.  The carcass (for lack of a better word) is boiling in a pot for tomorrow's Chicken and Dumplings. I will then boil the bones for bone broth that will be frozen and made into soup. Dissecting my heart's attitude that exists despite my obedient action and mindset is a lot like the laborious task of cooking this bird in my kitchen.  I can't take the first round and be done.  There is more goodness, more meat of truth, more marrow of insight in the deep recess of my heart waiting to be discovered. This is where we learn the most.  

Jonah needed time in the belly of that fish where the Holy Spirit gave him a good dose of self realization. He wasn’t simply acting out of fear but he was also fleshing out a desire to keep the grace of the gospel for those who were born like him. He wanted God’s goodness for his people and none other. It's a good thing to act out of obedience. The joy, the richest of God's goodness is felt when our hearts are pricked, cut away, broken, boiled and re-boiled. Understanding the sin in our lives is difficult. Understanding how it plays out and affects our relationships is even more difficult. I'm realizing at the ripe ole age of 41 this process of dissection, while difficult, is my life's work. I'm realizing God's goodness to me permeates through each step of this process and my grasping His unrelenting atonement is my daily feast.

Come All Ye Pining, Hungry, Poor

Lord, we adore thy boundless grace, 
The heights and depths unknown,
Of pardon, life, and joy, and peace, 
In thy beloved Son.

Come, all ye pining, hungry poor, 
The Saviour's bounty taste; 
Behold a never-failing store
For every willing guest

O wondrous gifts of love divine,
Dear Source of every good;
Jesus, in thee what glories shine!
How rich thy flowing blood!

Come, all ye pining, hungry poor, 
The Saviour's bounty taste; 
Behold a never-failing store
For every willing guest

Here shall your numerous wants receive
A free, a full supply;
He has unmeasured bliss to give,
And joys that never die.

My Day of Independence

This weekend finds me home alone. The other four of our family of five are headed in three different directions for various reasons. I've been anticipating for days the quiet time when all I have to do is exactly what I wish. All day Friday, while hard at work, I looked forward to 4:30 like never before. I could not WAIT to get home. I walked into my house, looked around at the emptiness, took a deep breath, and immediately felt lost. 

The last few weeks I have talked to a handful of students in various stages of romantic relationships. A few in this handful have voiced significant fear in giving up independence for the sake of pursuing life with another. I get it! Sometimes I feel like I jump out of one world where people are always asking me for servitude into another that is as demanding if not more so. When my selfishness and pride takes over I can get downright pitiful! I begin to wonder if I'm allowed my own thoughts much less actions that resemble any sort of independence! 

As I've made decisions the last few hours based completely on my own desires I've had one overwhelming emotion. Loneliness. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my nap after work, watching Covenant Men's Basketball team come so close to beating Liberty and am (as I type this post) on glass number two of red wine. But I'm glad it's short lived. While it's nice to have a bit of a break I wouldn't want to live it continuously. Not everyone is called to be a wife, mother and admin. However, no one should make independence or self reliance a life goal. We are all called to serve others and to die to self daily. To those few students who have voiced their legitimate and understandable fears of sacrifice for the sake of being with another, I say give it up. Lay down the rags of self reliance along with the false sense of security independence supposedly provides. Grasp the riches of building a life around serving those who love you most. 

"Always remember there is nothing worth sharing like the love that let us share our name." -The Avett Brothers

Andy went grocery shopping before he left town. Not sure if I should be flattered or offended by "Smoking Loon."

My Lunch Ladies and L'Abri

The main reason I love my job so much is because of the relationships I get to develop with students. Feel free to read Time and My Relational Landscape for a fleshing out of this sentiment.  Another thing I love is food.  For most of my life, lunch has been a highlight of any day.  This stage in my life is no different but possibly for different reasons.  Four out of five work days I stand at my desk, shuffle papers and run the chapel office with great anticipation for time with my Lunch Ladies.  

There are many students at Covenant I'm continuing to learn, love and hound with countless questions.  These four girls subject themselves to a weekly conversation that oscillates between interrogation and venting depending on life and possibly my current attitude. Actually, I believe they would tell you these moments of breaking bread (or turkey wrap) are both encouraging and edifying. I've lived years they have not and therefore have a perspective on this life they can't yet visualize. They allow me the great privilege of sharing their joys and carrying their sorrows. I try to be a sounding board as they voice their fears. I watch them layout a runway for their future as we talk through relationships and dreams. I know them and they know me which is both beautiful and heartbreaking. 

These ladies know that I pray for them and that I enjoy their company. However, there is no way they can comprehend the spiritual benefit I receive from each of these relationships. God pours out his goodness to me through our conversation. Their desire to follow the path God has perfectly orchestrated and their commitment to His word as they navigate this broken world renews my faith. I would be proud to call any of them my own. There in lies the beauty. At times the level of devotion I feel for these ladies makes me wonder if something is wrong with me. I was recently blessed to hear Dr. Steve Garber refer to this desire to know students as a gift. Like most gifts it has a price tag. Next year, even next semester, my weekly calendar will look different. Que the heartbreak. Dr. Garber told me tears are totally acceptable as these changes in schedule occur. 

I often find myself thinking about my daughter during these lunches.  I'm already very proud of the young lady she is and I look with great anticipation to see the woman she's becoming. One prayer I'm often voicing is for God to provide for her some one who will value the same sort of opportunity with her that I have with these four Lunch Ladies. I hope for someone in her college years to see her gifts with new eyes...someone to appreciate the things I've grown accustom to and therefore unintentionally overlook.  Mostly, I hope for her to have someone who can invest in her without the  personal pride and the selfish agenda I have to continuously resist.  

#19yearsandcounting

The view of Lookout Mountain from the valley where I live provides great beauty. In spring, the blanket of treetops is thick with new growth in varying shades of green. In the fall, as all the leaves begin to die, the blanket is vibrant with orange, yellow, and red. If you stay in the valley, if you don't venture up the road into the curvy, hilly and sometimes treacherous mountain road you miss the greatest beauty. In spring you miss hundreds of dogwoods whose beauty is unspeakable and in fall you miss the brightest of the orange, yellow and red the mountain has to offer. These scenes are picturesque and rival the best photos you'd find in any travel magazine. 

In 19 years of marriage, Andy and I have had times where we cruised through life maneuvering relatively flat ground.  We've also had moments where we had to travel up the mountain path. In these moments God's goodness was so vibrant I could hardly stand to look at it.  As overwhelming as life can be and as terrifying as it is to wonder what's waiting around the next bend, it's in these moments God's faithfulness is most prevalent and consuming.  His grace flows freely providing the confidence necessary to make it up the next hill.  The scope of these realizations is so acute I find myself thankful for the effort the path demands and appreciate the aching muscles produced by the climb. 

Andy and I realize that marriage is a fight, and we will continue on that battlefield until either one of us ceases to draw breath or Jesus returns. As difficult as it can be, the benefit of this union far outweighs the struggle.  To be truly known by another is the essence of peace.  I'm beyond willing for Andy to understand what makes me tick, what brings me joy, and how my deepest heartache can spontaneously creep back to the surface of my being. We are two cracked cisterns who choose every day to love each other regardless of our eccentricities and complications. 

Ben Rector sings true, "...life is not the mountain tops. It's the walking in between and I like you walking next to me." Regardless of whether we are in the serenity of the valley or climbing the treacherous mountain, it is no small comfort knowing we'll be together.  Even more importantly, knowing that we are always enveloped by the vibrant beauty of our gracious Savior.

"It is mercy to have a faithful friend who loveth you entirely."   Richard Baxter

Let me find Thy light in my darkness,

Thy life in my death,
Thy joy in my sorrow,
Thy grace in my sin,
Thy riches in my poverty
Thy glory in my valley.

(The Valley of Vision)

Silver and Gold

In a recent moment of sadness I asked my husband why life had to be so hard.  His reply was timely and true, "What you mean is why are relationships so meaningful."  His answer didn't keep my bittersweet tears from flowing but it's truth has been ringing in my ears all summer. 

This same sentiment produced a reaction of joy two weeks ago as our family made our annual trek to Cary, NC.  For almost a decade the well manicured suburbian town was where we watched our kids grow from three babies into varying levels of cute big kids and smelly pre-teens and teens.  These summer visits are always busy and crammed with as many people as possible.  There's never enough time to see all the people we would like but we soak up the time we have with the friends we manage to squeeze in. 

One crew that is forever and always on our "must see" list is the Peterson Family.  We met them when we were both families of four trying to figure out how to parent these creatures we call offspring.  For years the question that crossed our lips wasn't "What shall we do Friday night?" but rather "Are we going to the Petersons or are they coming here?"  As the years went by and we added children to our brood we rode the waves of parenting and marriage together.  When one couple trekked through the trials that come with this broken world the other pair would walk along side sharing the load.  At times, these were heartbreaking, tear-filled journeys that seemed impossible to endure.  We also experienced the joy that comes in the morning as God fulfilled His promise of grace and mercy.  Few know Andy and Leah Jones better than Jared and Beth Peterson.  It's always a time of refreshment to be with those who understand your brokenness, love you despite your eccentricities and with whom time is always a treasure.  Our weekend with these sweet friends felt as if no time had passed and our camaraderie left very little dead air.

Last Friday night back in North Georgia, I partied with a few ladies from our church. By partied I mean we hung out eating good food, partaking in adult beverages, and finishing complete thoughts with full sentences that are impossible when our children are present. There were moments when I felt recognized as someone with whom they have memories.  The years don't go back as far and the valleys of the last three years haven't been quite so treacherous but I can feel the roots of the sweet friendships around me deepening.  Pondering friendships that span time and distance impresses upon me the importance of knowing and being known.  I feel very blessed to be living out Solomon's wise words from Proverbs 18:24. The relationships God has been faithful to provide are very meaningful, both new and old.

The Raleigh Times- progressive dinner date

The Jones/Peterson offspring...plus a Winston, by age then by height mostly so we can laugh at Emma L'Abri.

Disturbing Goodness

I get a huge thrill from speaking into a microphone.

I considered sneaking away during a recent church "work day” to avoid…work. These are things that while true, most would not express. They may even disturb you. But these things are true.

At graduation, a student told me there were days this last year they would not have made it without me.  

I was paralyzed.  I honestly didn't know what to say or how to react.  It was disturbing. It was true.

I knew I had encouraged this student.  I knew God allowed me to be a part of their sanctification process.  The student didn’t realize that my faith was being renewed just as much as theirs.

I was completely inept to give any response in that moment because I wasn't yet able to recognize that encouraging comment as God's goodness.  God’s goodness can be disturbing.  God has used me to disturb this student’s life with His goodness. Now, they were simply returning the favor.

These things are true. God is good. God is disturbing. His goodness disturbs us at moments we don’t expect and in ways we do not expect.  These moments are disturbing. I expect His goodness for others. I anticipate mediocrity for myself.

"My desire to feel the power of God's grace conquering the pride and selfishness in my life inclines me to behavior that demonstrates the victory of grace, namely, love.  Genuine love is so contrary to human nature that it's presence bears witness to an extraordinary power." -John Piper, Desiring God