Sunday, January 4, 2015

Still Learning List

My knee jerk reaction is to fight turning the big 4-0 with every fiber of my being.  But honestly, what good will it do?  As Memaw always says, "It's better than the alternative." So here I am, NOT putting my head in the sand, curling up in the fetal position, or hiding under the covers.  Hitting this milestone has made me pause and reflect on how God has made me. Below are a few things I've learned over four decades and yet feel very far from fully knowing. I can tell you I have mastered nothing listed below and continuously struggle with a great deal, see Scattered and Overwhelmed. So here goes...my ongoing, still learning list.

1- Being emotionally "all in" isn't always ideal.  Andy says most people measure with multiple sized measuring cups when it comes to doling out emotion.  Not only do I have one sized measuring cup with which to administer but it's always full. I'm all in when it comes to emotions (see my relationship with the Atlanta Braves). I love caring for people.  It feeds me.  Thinking of a way to encourage someone or remind them of God's love for them spurs me on. Sounds great right? Well, sometimes my one size fits all measuring cup is larger than the moment requires, leaving people looking at me like a deer in headlights or not sure how to judge my motives. I try to be sensitive and often use Andy as a barometer.  I want to live out God's love for His children and acting out His love IS a huge blessing to me.  But sometimes...I need to rein it in.

2- Words of encouragement should never be minced.  For better and for worse, I tend to say what I'm thinking. As a result encouraging others comes rather naturally.  When I see good in others, I tend to verbally acknowledge and celebrate it. Recognizing the good in others isn't a rare quality. We all watch our family and friends succeed, make wise choices, experience God's goodness.  But how often do we express such insight and why do we hesitate?  Acknowledging the good in others makes us feel weak and/or vulnerable.  We feel as if we've failed somehow or as if we deserve better.  This selfish, prideful emotion causes us to look with disdain on their accomplishment or blessing.  Maybe we are so inward focused we fail to notice or we're just wired differently and fail to notice.  In that case, when we DO happen to notice, it will be all the more encouraging for such reflections to be voiced.

3- My awkward bone is broken.  Not sure if it's from shenanigans played out in my childhood (pushing my sister through McDonald's drive thru in a wheelbarrow for example) or it's just the way I'm built.  Whatever the cause, I find very little to get embarrassed over.  Inappropriate...I understand.  Awkward?  Just not in my wheel house.  Thankfully for all involved I'm pretty good at reading others.  If they seem a bit uncomfortable or engage in whispered conversation I assume I've created an awkward situation, analyze previous interaction, adjust accordingly.  I manage, and I apologize...often.

4-Shame is not the same as guilt.  Before reading Ed Welch's book Shame Interrupted I had never differentiated between guilt and shame.  We all have both. Guilt is feeling bad about what you've done but as often as not shame is a result of what others have done.  We're not sure where to place it.  Like everyone, there have been events throughout my life where I've experienced shame as a result of things I have done and things others have done. I have to remember that God knew both types of my shame from the beginning of time and chose to call me by name in spite of it.

5-Forgiveness is NEVER optional.  We have many options throughout life and sometimes they are justified, necessary, and clear.  Other times we live through difficult situations and our life is altered because of circumstances outside of our control. Whatever sins committed against us, whatever the circumstances entailed, forgiveness is mandatory. The act of forgiveness may not change our decisions or reactions but justice is the Lords and vindication should never be pursued.  Bitterness brought on by a lack of forgiveness fixes a filter over our eyes.  This filter cannot be removed and replaced like a set of spectacles.  We view our entire existence through that filter.  Every relationship.  Every circumstance.  It's daunting, debilitating, treacherous, and unacceptable for a child of the King.

Who can say it better then C.S. Lewis, “We forgive, we mortify our resentment; a week later some chain of thought carries us back to the original offence and we discover the old resentment blazing away as if nothing had been done about it at all. We need to forgive our brother seventy times seven not only for 490 offences but for one offence. ”

6- I will never stop fighting with Andy Jones.  Nothing this side of heaven matters more than my marriage.  I heard a friend recently describe her marriage as "broken".  Well, what else is to be expected when you have two broken people existing in a broken world amongst a broken society.  I am madly in love with David Andrew Jones and most of the time I even feel happy about it.  Love is not an emotion. It's a mental, purposeful, action involving choices throughout every day.  It produces emotion and all types of emotion.  When life overwhelms me, sin envelops me, selfishness attempts to control me...nothing matters more than acting out God's love for that man.  I have to choose to love him every minute of every day of every year of every decade.  Not because I'm so loyal or he's so fantastic (which he is) but because I promised I would. Come what may...we will never stop fighting for our marriage. 

As I reach this crazy, unfathomable milestone that is living 20 twice, I'm thankful.  Thankful for God's inconceivable faithfulness to me.  Thankful for my extremely blessed existence.  And very, very thankful for you.  Thank you dear friend, acquaintance, family member who has taken the time to read this very long blog post and has put up with not only my learning but the eccentricities therefore produced.
My name sake...Heleena Honea Troxel