Scattered and Overwhelmed

“Scattered and overwhelmed” are two words someone used to describe me recently.  The context was appropriate and the discussion edifying.  But oh my wounded pride.  That’s not at all what I want to be!  I want to be refined and capable!  Organized and trustworthy!  Humbly successful most definitely!  I realize each of these adjectives have one thing in common.  They are attainable to the eyes of my fellow man.  I wish my focus was trained on being sacrificial, thoughtful and quietly trusting. I wish I walked through life unconcerned with how others view me.  Funny thing is, my biggest concern is how I see myself.

I love efficiency.  Rarely will you find me in my kitchen cooking “a” meal.  I’m usually attacking pounds of meat bought in bulk and prepping it for the freezer as the night’s vittles are shoved into the oven.  Sometimes going for a run feels like a waste of time so I really like to run with a friend.  I can get my exercise and a little visit. If I can take my dog along then I’m golden!  It’s a beautiful thing, efficiency. I also have great difficulty starting a job I cannot complete. I have huge flower beds and I can NEVER keep up with the weeding.  I try to set aside an entire day so I can pull all the weeds infiltrating the acre or so surrounding our house.  As you would expect, the amount of weeding that must be done could lay me up for weeks if I try to clean them all out in a day.  So why can’t I just do a little at a time?  If I can’t accomplish a task then it’s really difficult for me to get started. 

Unfortunately, these character traits play out when it comes to my prayer life and study of scripture.  Perfect knowledge of God’s word is not attainable or even close to attainable.  Cue being overwhelmed. I like to pray while I run or as I’m cooking for my family.  However, sitting quietly in my “prayer closet” makes me feel antsy. I’m not saying this is good or acceptable.  I’m trying to say that even good characteristics must be overcome as we strive for holiness.  Efficiency and dovetailing isn’t bad.  It’s totally acceptable to pray while I do a great many things.  I also must make myself spend time resting in my Savior.  I’ve had two separate people during two different conversations encourage me to allow the Holy Spirit to pour back in as life uses up. 

I guess what I’m learning about myself is I’m still striving to earn the love God has already chosen to bestow.  He in His great kindness chosen to love me.  He chased me down and forgave me of my wretchedness and continues to see me as perfectly wonderful.  Tears fill my eyes at the relief of letting go of all I’ve been striving to be.  It’s impossible to be the perfect anything but a perfect culmination of mother, wife, co-worker, friend, and neighbor sets one up for failure.  It is futile and positively ludicrous. My family doesn't need me to be perfect. They need me to trust in the One who lived a perfect existence and atoned for all my past, present and future imperfections.

Sailboat

The last few weeks have been very uncharacteristic for me.  If you’ve seen me during this time period, no doubt I have responded to your standard “how are you?” with some form of “I’m kinda in a funk.”  If I were more thoughtful I’d be able to burden EVERYONE less.  I could respond in kind with a “Doing just fine!  How about yourself?” 

The good news is I’m learning a lot about myself and how my sinful nature is currently choosing to play out in my person.  The bad news is now I feel the urge to blog about it.  I recently read a wonderful blog post by Vaneetha Rendall Demski on prayer and the primary position it holds in her life.  I thanked her for this timely reminder and she responded by telling me she wrote that post as a reminder to herself.  She seems really smart so I’ve chosen to follow her example and blog the things I’m learning and the avenues God has chosen by which to direct His insights.  The simplicity of such realizations make me feel weak and a bit embarrassed.  I wish I could learn something once and adhere it to my soul in order to fasten it always to my heart’s desire. 

When Ben Rector wrote “Sailboat” he may have been thinking of a physical existence.  Maybe the musician wasn’t quite sure where he was headed geographically or in which city the tour bus would be stopping next.  Google no doubt holds these specifics but this song expresses quite beautifully how I have felt lately in a spiritual sense.  I’ve no doubt been frustration by my inability to be the sailboat as well as the One who makes the wind blow.  I really want to try and feed myself while living an existence without the need of nourishment.  Then when the waves roll no wonder I feel lost and alone.

I have seen the sun
Felt the rain on my skin
I've been lost and found
But mostly I've been waiting

In moments of worry perpetuated by concern for how others see me I’m oblivious to seeing the sun and feeling the “rain on my skin.”  While surrounded by blessings I’m so self-absorbed I feel alone, inept and as if I have failed in every way possible. Fear not, as He has promised God is continuing to make all things new.  I’m coming to realizations I’ve reached before and will one day need to reach again.  These types of blog posts are for me to come back to when my God-given eccentricities fall into sinful desires resulting in human frailty.  Feel free to disregard and come back when the material is more appealing.